What to do?

The next part will come right out of my journal:
11-27-03

Me and Chris decided to make things serious between him and I. I am so happy about that!

Last night I was raped by Jake and Steve. (Friends of Chris') I got into town around 11:30pm after leaving Chris' house. I saw Jake and Steve in Steve's mom's car. They told me to pull over. They talked me into driving around with them for awhile We went to the gas station Steve went into get something and Jake put his hand on my leg I told him to stop and that I love Chris etc. Then we went to Steve's house. He ran in and got a bottle of whiskey, and they convinced me to drink. I was slammin that shit. They drove somewhere in town but it was a woody area.They kept telling me to get naked. I kept telling them no. Jake held my arms and Steve took off my shirt. I told them to leave me alone. Jake had got in the back with me. I got out and got in the front with Steve (assuming I could trust him more) I kept telling them to knock it off it wasn't funny I wanted to go home and go to sleep. Finally Jake said ok, I will take you home. Jake got out of the back seat so I got out to go in the back. Then they both got out and got in on either side of me in the back. Jake hold me and Steve takes off my pants. I am kicking and screaming at them to stop. Jake starts fucking me, then Steve. At one point Jake wanted to me to suck his dick, and I told him I was going to bite the fuckin thing off if it goes near my mouth. Then they brought me back. I told them I wouldn't say anything. I want to tell Chris so bad but I know he'll try to kill them and I don't want him in any more trouble. I know it'd get around and people will naturally think I am lying and that I'm just a slut anyway. I don't want to go to the cops because I don't like them and we'd have to go to court and all that other shit. I just want to forget about it. The only person I told was Mandy cuz she's my best friend, and I love her. Chris has been friends with these guys forever and I don't want to start shit. But I thought when I went with them it'd be okay becuz Chris is always partying with my friends when I'm working, so I didn't think he'd mind. This is all my fault. Why did I get drunk with them? Why did I go with them? I wish it'd all end and be over with. Mandy said I should tell him cuz he'll hear it from someone else and the story will all be switched around. Then he won't believe me when I tell him the truth. I do not want to lose him. I am so scared.

What I didn't understand then... Was why I got off then, when I really didn't want it. I started doubting myself, and thinking Maybe I really did want it? I didn't understand how you don't have to enjoy or want something in your head, for your body to like it. Totally separate...