I have absolutely no idea where to start this... Where did life start to confuse me and put me on the wrong path? I'd say I was just starting Middle School, I was close to turn 12. My oldest brother was in jail. Shortly after starting school there was a wicked red head who wanted to beat me up, I don't actually remember why. I started hanging less and less around the girls I knew, the ones from Elementary School. I soon became friends with this red head, Amanda. She was a "trouble maker" as were all her other friends. That's where I felt comfortable. Hanging around the "bad kids." That's all I've ever known anyways.
My dad drank a lot when I was younger. He was a truck driver and was gone most of the week to return home for the weekend. Where he'd get drunk and listen to music. "Disciplining" us kids for everything we'd done wrong while he was gone. My mom and him constinetly faught and I remember thinking to myself how wonderful it'd be if they'd get a divorce. If it was just us and our mom. My mom seemed so innocent back then. So quiet... so loving. It appears the whole time I'd only seen one side of the story. There's a whole story in itself. Now I may portray my dad to be this horrible monster, just because I did not understand everything then. I'm not saying it was right him to smack her around, or us for that matter. I'm saying there were things going on that I didn't know about. My dad did take the time to preach to us about God, and things that were right and wrong. We did go to church a lot with our Grandma, his mom. My mom even took us sometimes. I remember one Wednesday night we decided not to go to church, so my mom got out the bible and me and my brothers and sister sat around the living room in a circle and read from the Bible.
So I was a strong believer in God. I guess though I figured I could put everything on the back burner while I disrespected my teachers at school, while I had bad thoughts about the other kids in school. I hung around with the "cool kids," we didn't take shit from anyone. I had already been interested in boys for years. The town I live in is primarly white people. Soon after starting Middle School a lot of hispanic people started moving here. Well, my friends didn't have much for rules laid down at there house and they could go walk around town, and go hang out at places while at night I had go home. Starting 7th grade and going through the summer after, almost every signal one of my friends lost their virginity. Most of them 12 years old still. Most of them lost their virginities to these mexicans (adults) that moved here. I was raised to believe that races should not mix. I am white, I marry a white person. So truth be told I was discusted that all my friends were hooking up with these mexicans. So 8th grade started and all my friends had their relationships or a few friends were switching non-stop back and forth between guys. Having sex with them like it wasn't nothing. I had been pretty shy at the time, and I think compared to some of my friends I wasn't bad looking at all. Then I began to get down on myself. All my friends were out having sex and having fun, but I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I felt like a freak. I wanted to be apart of what all my friends were doing. Homecoming was coming up I believe and me and 2 closest friends, Lisa and Megan decide to buy our first bag of weed for the occasion. I knew my parents would let me stay at Lisa's house, and everything should go smoothly. We'd get high for our first times and have a blast. Megan was supposed to buy it. I got most of the money for it from my mom, telling her I needed it for lunch money. Finally they got it, and we were just waiting for Homecoming. During choir one day, sitting next to Lisa and Megan, I say something about how I can't wait etc. Lisa tells me "oh shit, I forgot to tell you, we heard the cops were raiding this guys house so we got paranoid and threw it in the river." I said "What?! Why the hell would you throw it in the river?" She said "I don't know, I was scared!" I thought it was kinda strange but I let it go. I mean I've known Lisa for a long time and I never thought she'd lie to me. So here comes Homecoming night, I don't really remember what all happened. I just remember thinking beforehand- ok this may not be the night I get stoned for the 1st time, but maybe I will get to have sex. I was so excited and I remember also thinking, I don't even care if it's with a mexican. I had already began to let my standards down. Well the night went on and were inside this hangout joint, where no one really went. It was below the apartments where all the mexicans lived. Well I was waiting for Megan and Lisa. And another friend of mine was there, we were smoking cigarettes talking about stuff and she tells me "What? Meg and Lisa never threw that bag in the river, they smoked it with their boyfriends!" Oh Man, I was PISSED! Why was I upset? Cause my two best friends, stabbed in my the back. I was also jealous of them cause I knew they were probably out having sex with 2 random guys, and I wanted in on it. I began to get even closer to Laura after that.
That's a whole nother story........
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