Chris and I seemed to have an almost perfect relationship. I started getting homeschooled so I never had to worry about school getting in the way.
We got drunk a least once a week, we smoked marijuana everyday. I tried shrooms with him for my first time. It was absolutely horrible. I tripped for approximately 7 straight hours! I saw my whole life in such depth. Like, why was my dad so strict about things, how bad of a childhood he had. How he must hurt. I analyzed my brothers relationships and my sister's. (Did I mention I have 2 older brothers and older sister and one younger brother.) I cried and then Chris would be looking at me, asking I was ok? Then I would start laughing at him, then he would laugh with me and then I'd start crying all over again. I feel bad for putting HIM through that LOL. I also snorted Adderall (prescription pill for ADHD) for the first time. I had to go to work right after, and I talked my manager's ear off. I remember her looking at me, while I was sweeping the floor and she says "Alice, I don't think I've ever seen you work so hard"
Chris and I were together almost everyday, but the parties slowed down drastically after Bob died. It was usually just Chris, Mandy and I together. I started working full time, and that left Chris more time to himself. After were dating for about 6 months, we decided to try to get pregnant. I went off my birth control for 3 months, I decided it was not a smart idea and started taking it again. Our relationship started to get bad after that. It was almost as if, he didn't think I loved him or our future together. He got a job, and one night I decided to go out with Mandy and my BFF Lisa, Chris was working 3rd shift and I went to visit him at work like I frequently did, and he was irrate that I was actually hanging out with my friends without him. He worked at a grocery story cleaning the floors. He took his broom and was slamming it against the outside wall till pieces of it were flying off. He grabbed me around the neck and said he was done with my slutty ass. I was determined to break up with him then, but it actually made me attach myself MORE to him.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
What to do?
The next part will come right out of my journal:
11-27-03
Me and Chris decided to make things serious between him and I. I am so happy about that!
Last night I was raped by Jake and Steve. (Friends of Chris') I got into town around 11:30pm after leaving Chris' house. I saw Jake and Steve in Steve's mom's car. They told me to pull over. They talked me into driving around with them for awhile We went to the gas station Steve went into get something and Jake put his hand on my leg I told him to stop and that I love Chris etc. Then we went to Steve's house. He ran in and got a bottle of whiskey, and they convinced me to drink. I was slammin that shit. They drove somewhere in town but it was a woody area.They kept telling me to get naked. I kept telling them no. Jake held my arms and Steve took off my shirt. I told them to leave me alone. Jake had got in the back with me. I got out and got in the front with Steve (assuming I could trust him more) I kept telling them to knock it off it wasn't funny I wanted to go home and go to sleep. Finally Jake said ok, I will take you home. Jake got out of the back seat so I got out to go in the back. Then they both got out and got in on either side of me in the back. Jake hold me and Steve takes off my pants. I am kicking and screaming at them to stop. Jake starts fucking me, then Steve. At one point Jake wanted to me to suck his dick, and I told him I was going to bite the fuckin thing off if it goes near my mouth. Then they brought me back. I told them I wouldn't say anything. I want to tell Chris so bad but I know he'll try to kill them and I don't want him in any more trouble. I know it'd get around and people will naturally think I am lying and that I'm just a slut anyway. I don't want to go to the cops because I don't like them and we'd have to go to court and all that other shit. I just want to forget about it. The only person I told was Mandy cuz she's my best friend, and I love her. Chris has been friends with these guys forever and I don't want to start shit. But I thought when I went with them it'd be okay becuz Chris is always partying with my friends when I'm working, so I didn't think he'd mind. This is all my fault. Why did I get drunk with them? Why did I go with them? I wish it'd all end and be over with. Mandy said I should tell him cuz he'll hear it from someone else and the story will all be switched around. Then he won't believe me when I tell him the truth. I do not want to lose him. I am so scared.
What I didn't understand then... Was why I got off then, when I really didn't want it. I started doubting myself, and thinking Maybe I really did want it? I didn't understand how you don't have to enjoy or want something in your head, for your body to like it. Totally separate...
11-27-03
Me and Chris decided to make things serious between him and I. I am so happy about that!
Last night I was raped by Jake and Steve. (Friends of Chris') I got into town around 11:30pm after leaving Chris' house. I saw Jake and Steve in Steve's mom's car. They told me to pull over. They talked me into driving around with them for awhile We went to the gas station Steve went into get something and Jake put his hand on my leg I told him to stop and that I love Chris etc. Then we went to Steve's house. He ran in and got a bottle of whiskey, and they convinced me to drink. I was slammin that shit. They drove somewhere in town but it was a woody area.They kept telling me to get naked. I kept telling them no. Jake held my arms and Steve took off my shirt. I told them to leave me alone. Jake had got in the back with me. I got out and got in the front with Steve (assuming I could trust him more) I kept telling them to knock it off it wasn't funny I wanted to go home and go to sleep. Finally Jake said ok, I will take you home. Jake got out of the back seat so I got out to go in the back. Then they both got out and got in on either side of me in the back. Jake hold me and Steve takes off my pants. I am kicking and screaming at them to stop. Jake starts fucking me, then Steve. At one point Jake wanted to me to suck his dick, and I told him I was going to bite the fuckin thing off if it goes near my mouth. Then they brought me back. I told them I wouldn't say anything. I want to tell Chris so bad but I know he'll try to kill them and I don't want him in any more trouble. I know it'd get around and people will naturally think I am lying and that I'm just a slut anyway. I don't want to go to the cops because I don't like them and we'd have to go to court and all that other shit. I just want to forget about it. The only person I told was Mandy cuz she's my best friend, and I love her. Chris has been friends with these guys forever and I don't want to start shit. But I thought when I went with them it'd be okay becuz Chris is always partying with my friends when I'm working, so I didn't think he'd mind. This is all my fault. Why did I get drunk with them? Why did I go with them? I wish it'd all end and be over with. Mandy said I should tell him cuz he'll hear it from someone else and the story will all be switched around. Then he won't believe me when I tell him the truth. I do not want to lose him. I am so scared.
What I didn't understand then... Was why I got off then, when I really didn't want it. I started doubting myself, and thinking Maybe I really did want it? I didn't understand how you don't have to enjoy or want something in your head, for your body to like it. Totally separate...
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Seems like yesterday
We got back to the party, alive and he told me "I'm going to run inside and tell Bob that we're going home" (Bob and I are friends now) Well he's in the house forever, so I walk in and at the table he's sitting with 2 girls on his lap, trying to convince them to have sex with. I was so upset.. I mean I knew he was still sleeping with other girls, but I didn't really want to see it. Anyways, he seen me and his eyes got huge he got up and we went back to his house...
I broke up with Matt right after I turned 17... I admitted everything to him and he STILL wanted to be with me. Right after that, my friend Amanda I mentioned in the very first chapter died in a car accident, leaving her 3 month old baby girl motherless. It was a very hard day for all of us..
Later on that week I went out to Bob's house. He wasn't home but Chris, another girl and I decided to sit down and smoke a whole bag of weed. When Bob got home I walked up to him (alone) and asked him to come join us. He said no. I laughed and asked "why not?" He looked sad and said "I promised my son I wouldn't do that anymore." (He had a 7 year old boy and 4 year old girl) I thought that was a good enough answer. I went back and joined the others. That was the last time I talked to Bob. A few days later I got a call from Chris saying Bob was in a coma, he overdosed on a fentanyl patch (Morphine) He didn't have a script he got it illegally, and took the gel out of it and smoked it. He had no brain activity and his parents took him off life support. Chris and I went to his funeral together. Everyone looked like us, like we were the ones that killed him. It was funny cause a few months before that we were talking about dying and he said when he died he wanted to be buried in his regular clothes and a bandana on his head... they had him in a nice suit and tie, all nicely shaven. We didn't stay for the whole funeral, but we went back to the cemetery afterwards and dumped a bottle of Jack Daniels on his grave. What's so strange is he died with only a handful of people really knowing who HE was. Damn, I miss him...
I broke up with Matt right after I turned 17... I admitted everything to him and he STILL wanted to be with me. Right after that, my friend Amanda I mentioned in the very first chapter died in a car accident, leaving her 3 month old baby girl motherless. It was a very hard day for all of us..
Later on that week I went out to Bob's house. He wasn't home but Chris, another girl and I decided to sit down and smoke a whole bag of weed. When Bob got home I walked up to him (alone) and asked him to come join us. He said no. I laughed and asked "why not?" He looked sad and said "I promised my son I wouldn't do that anymore." (He had a 7 year old boy and 4 year old girl) I thought that was a good enough answer. I went back and joined the others. That was the last time I talked to Bob. A few days later I got a call from Chris saying Bob was in a coma, he overdosed on a fentanyl patch (Morphine) He didn't have a script he got it illegally, and took the gel out of it and smoked it. He had no brain activity and his parents took him off life support. Chris and I went to his funeral together. Everyone looked like us, like we were the ones that killed him. It was funny cause a few months before that we were talking about dying and he said when he died he wanted to be buried in his regular clothes and a bandana on his head... they had him in a nice suit and tie, all nicely shaven. We didn't stay for the whole funeral, but we went back to the cemetery afterwards and dumped a bottle of Jack Daniels on his grave. What's so strange is he died with only a handful of people really knowing who HE was. Damn, I miss him...
Slut
Now I'm going to try to make this next part as short as possible:
Now Matt apparently talked to Laura who told him where I was. I lied and said I was at Rachel's dad's house out of town. He said he believed me... I booked it back home. Then later Matt decided to drive out to Bob's house. Bob came outside and apparently knocked off the side mirror off with a crowbar and then proceded to smash out the driver's window. He told Matt to leave then and if he came back he'd kill him.
By the time I returned home my phone was ringing. It was Chris- he told me I was a piece of shit for telling my boyfriend what happened. I said "What the hell are you talking about, Laura told him-cause BOB told Angela." (got that?) Then I heard everyone in the background at the party talking about what a slut I was. Then Chris was telling them how he should tie me to the bed and Matt to a chair and let everyone fuck me so Matt has to watch. It was if he set the phone down and forgot he was talking to me. I sat in the corner of my room with the phone to my ear, just crying and listening. Mandy and Rachel not saying anything just watching me. After that night it was about another month before I see or talk to Chris again. Matt told me all about what happened, but never brought it up again.
Chris ends up calling me a month later, telling me he's sorry and that he wants to see me. For some damn reason I go. We end up hanging out a lot... One night Chris passes out almost as soon as I get to his house. I'm sitting on the couch alone when Chris' older brother sits down and unzips his pants and starts stroking himself, asking me if I wanna ride it. (People just kept amazing me around there) It just turns me on to watch a man do that, I don't know why... but I give in.
One night Chris tells me he needs my car cause he needs "to break up with his girlfriend (What?!) because she's telling everyone she's pregnant and she's NOT" I was heartbroken. First I had no idea he had a girlfriend. Another I was infatuated with him. Yeah I slept with other guys and I was still dating Matt. But it's like I never said anything to Chris about wanting a relationship cause I knew that's the one thing he didn't want. When I was with a guy, whether it be Chris, Matt or someone. It was all about them. I didn't sit and think about this other guy. Maybe that's why I never really felt slutty. (Boy do I ever now though) I just liked to have sex, with different guys cause everyone is different.
Anyways he insists on driving. I was sober and stupid so I let him. He's driving and scaring the shit out of me. He could not keep the car in his lane AT ALL. I thought for sure I was going to die. He tells me "you know how much I drank tonight? A half bottle of Captain Morgan!" I start begging him to pull over, he won't though. Instead he looks at me and says "You know, I love you, I love you so much Alice." I was shocked and didn't say anything. Then he says "I'd love to be with you and only you, but you know what? I can't. I'd cheat on you and I don't want to hurt you." Thankfully we didn't die that night.
Now Matt apparently talked to Laura who told him where I was. I lied and said I was at Rachel's dad's house out of town. He said he believed me... I booked it back home. Then later Matt decided to drive out to Bob's house. Bob came outside and apparently knocked off the side mirror off with a crowbar and then proceded to smash out the driver's window. He told Matt to leave then and if he came back he'd kill him.
By the time I returned home my phone was ringing. It was Chris- he told me I was a piece of shit for telling my boyfriend what happened. I said "What the hell are you talking about, Laura told him-cause BOB told Angela." (got that?) Then I heard everyone in the background at the party talking about what a slut I was. Then Chris was telling them how he should tie me to the bed and Matt to a chair and let everyone fuck me so Matt has to watch. It was if he set the phone down and forgot he was talking to me. I sat in the corner of my room with the phone to my ear, just crying and listening. Mandy and Rachel not saying anything just watching me. After that night it was about another month before I see or talk to Chris again. Matt told me all about what happened, but never brought it up again.
Chris ends up calling me a month later, telling me he's sorry and that he wants to see me. For some damn reason I go. We end up hanging out a lot... One night Chris passes out almost as soon as I get to his house. I'm sitting on the couch alone when Chris' older brother sits down and unzips his pants and starts stroking himself, asking me if I wanna ride it. (People just kept amazing me around there) It just turns me on to watch a man do that, I don't know why... but I give in.
One night Chris tells me he needs my car cause he needs "to break up with his girlfriend (What?!) because she's telling everyone she's pregnant and she's NOT" I was heartbroken. First I had no idea he had a girlfriend. Another I was infatuated with him. Yeah I slept with other guys and I was still dating Matt. But it's like I never said anything to Chris about wanting a relationship cause I knew that's the one thing he didn't want. When I was with a guy, whether it be Chris, Matt or someone. It was all about them. I didn't sit and think about this other guy. Maybe that's why I never really felt slutty. (Boy do I ever now though) I just liked to have sex, with different guys cause everyone is different.
Anyways he insists on driving. I was sober and stupid so I let him. He's driving and scaring the shit out of me. He could not keep the car in his lane AT ALL. I thought for sure I was going to die. He tells me "you know how much I drank tonight? A half bottle of Captain Morgan!" I start begging him to pull over, he won't though. Instead he looks at me and says "You know, I love you, I love you so much Alice." I was shocked and didn't say anything. Then he says "I'd love to be with you and only you, but you know what? I can't. I'd cheat on you and I don't want to hurt you." Thankfully we didn't die that night.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
2 is better than 1
I wanna start out by saying, I do not blame alcohol at all for anything that has happened in my life. I believe that I was always in control of myself. With that being said...
After Chris was finished with me, I was worried that we woke up Laura so I went to the bedroom and she was gone! Here she was just sitting out in my car. I went out to talk to her and she looked at me and said "fuck you Alice." I said "sorry, come up and let's go to sleep." Her "No, I wanna go home." So I went and told Chris. He told me to call him tomorrow. I worked the next day and Chris told me to come out so we could go to a party together but NOT to bring Laura. I said "fine can I bring a different friend?" he said "yeah thats cool" I asked Mandy and Rachel to go with. I talked to Matt (my boyfriend) and said I was hanging out with my friends, I needed to spend more time with them. Mandy and Rachel were super psyched to go with me. I only hung with Mandy a few times before, I'd had gotten her high for her 1st time. Rachel and I never hung out but she was Mandy's best friend.
Now you'd think I would be super upset with Chris, I mean after all that happened that night, would be qualified as rape wouldn't it be? I never looked at it like that. I just wanted more of him. I just wanted to be around him, near him, touching him...
I didn't have any good perfume so I went out and spent the rest of my money on a bottle of Ralph Lauren-Romance. We pick Chris up at his house. I ask where we are going, he tells me his cousin's house. (What the fuck!!?? NO!!!!) Ohh.. not THAT cousin, a different cousin, Bob. (Whew) Alrighty. So we get there and there's only a few people there, I say hi to Bob. There's a ton of different bottles of alcohol on the table. We open one up, pass it around for awhile. Then Chris grabs my hand and leads me upstairs. We start going at it in this bedroom. After he's finished, he looks at me and says "Will you have sex with Bob?" Me... thinking fuck, I just met this guy 2 seconds ago and and.... but I wanna make Chris happy... so I tell Chris yes. He's just thrilled, he runs down the stairs, I hear their footsteps coming back up the stairs a minute later. In walks Chris and Bob... Chris is like "are you ready?" (Not that it's any better but I assumed I'd just be having sex with Bob- by himself) I am still basically in shock as Bob's head is between my thighs and Chris' dick is in my mouth. Chris is slapping me, and telling me what a good slut I am. Then his hand is on the back on my head forcing himself deeper. I start gagging and he's slapping my face yelling at "suck this dick, bitch, right now." I had sex with both of them that night, hard anal sex. At almost everypoint they had their dicks in two of my three holes.
After I don't know how long, I just could not take anymore. I jumped up off the bed, my whole entire body shaking.. trying to find my clothes. Chris walked out of the room and left me in there with Bob. I was down on my hands and knees, naked, looking for my underwear.. When Bob says "Do you want me to lick your asshole?" I was completely shocked, I had never heard such a nasty thing in my life! I say "NO!" Fuck my underwear! I put my jeans and shirt back on and I was out the door. I fly down the stairs, here the house is packed with people. All apparently knew I was in the bedroom fucking 2 guys. I don't see Mandy, Rachel or Chris. I open up the bathroom door, oh here they are.... Chris has them both up against the wall, making out with Mandy and fingering them both! Are you fucking kidding me?! All a sudden Mandy looks at me, (She is BEYOND drunk) "Oh! Alice, I'm so sorry.. he just came up to me and started kissing me" I tell her to relax, he isn't my boyfriend. Then Chris says, "Alice, why don't you and Bob take a ride together and go get Kyle." Kyle! Fuck my life. So here's me and Bob going to get Kyle. Bob's fingering me the whole way there and kissing my neck, and driving me completely insane. We get there go downstairs (its late. he's sleeping) I climb on the bed, lay down by him, "Kyle, wake up Chris wants you to come party" Bob's untop of me again, damn this guys an animal.. My pants are off.. I really can't even protest. I'm laying next to Kyle with Bob fucking me, begging Kyle to get up and come with us. It doesn't really even faze him what's going on. He knows but I don't know, maybe he was used to that sorta thing? Kyle's up, I gotta basically push Bob off of me, although I was enjoying it. The phone starts ringing.. Kyle "Hello, Yeah Bob's here." Hands the phone to Bob.. I ask Kyle who it is, he says Angela. Angela is Laura's cousin! Bob "Hey!......Alice? Yeah Alice is here." My eyes get huge... oh shit.. Laura is gonna kill me! Click, Angela hangs up. I'm like "oh, I gotta get the hell out of here." I ask Bob, "hey, by the way, how old are you?" He chuckles "26, you?" Me "Oh.. I'm 16." He just smiles.
We get back to Bob's house, I went in and retrieved my drunk friends, tell them we have to go..just then my cellphone rings.. it's Matt. I run outside to answer it in the quiet, "Hey Matt" He says "Where the FUCK are you!?"
After Chris was finished with me, I was worried that we woke up Laura so I went to the bedroom and she was gone! Here she was just sitting out in my car. I went out to talk to her and she looked at me and said "fuck you Alice." I said "sorry, come up and let's go to sleep." Her "No, I wanna go home." So I went and told Chris. He told me to call him tomorrow. I worked the next day and Chris told me to come out so we could go to a party together but NOT to bring Laura. I said "fine can I bring a different friend?" he said "yeah thats cool" I asked Mandy and Rachel to go with. I talked to Matt (my boyfriend) and said I was hanging out with my friends, I needed to spend more time with them. Mandy and Rachel were super psyched to go with me. I only hung with Mandy a few times before, I'd had gotten her high for her 1st time. Rachel and I never hung out but she was Mandy's best friend.
Now you'd think I would be super upset with Chris, I mean after all that happened that night, would be qualified as rape wouldn't it be? I never looked at it like that. I just wanted more of him. I just wanted to be around him, near him, touching him...
I didn't have any good perfume so I went out and spent the rest of my money on a bottle of Ralph Lauren-Romance. We pick Chris up at his house. I ask where we are going, he tells me his cousin's house. (What the fuck!!?? NO!!!!) Ohh.. not THAT cousin, a different cousin, Bob. (Whew) Alrighty. So we get there and there's only a few people there, I say hi to Bob. There's a ton of different bottles of alcohol on the table. We open one up, pass it around for awhile. Then Chris grabs my hand and leads me upstairs. We start going at it in this bedroom. After he's finished, he looks at me and says "Will you have sex with Bob?" Me... thinking fuck, I just met this guy 2 seconds ago and and.... but I wanna make Chris happy... so I tell Chris yes. He's just thrilled, he runs down the stairs, I hear their footsteps coming back up the stairs a minute later. In walks Chris and Bob... Chris is like "are you ready?" (Not that it's any better but I assumed I'd just be having sex with Bob- by himself) I am still basically in shock as Bob's head is between my thighs and Chris' dick is in my mouth. Chris is slapping me, and telling me what a good slut I am. Then his hand is on the back on my head forcing himself deeper. I start gagging and he's slapping my face yelling at "suck this dick, bitch, right now." I had sex with both of them that night, hard anal sex. At almost everypoint they had their dicks in two of my three holes.
After I don't know how long, I just could not take anymore. I jumped up off the bed, my whole entire body shaking.. trying to find my clothes. Chris walked out of the room and left me in there with Bob. I was down on my hands and knees, naked, looking for my underwear.. When Bob says "Do you want me to lick your asshole?" I was completely shocked, I had never heard such a nasty thing in my life! I say "NO!" Fuck my underwear! I put my jeans and shirt back on and I was out the door. I fly down the stairs, here the house is packed with people. All apparently knew I was in the bedroom fucking 2 guys. I don't see Mandy, Rachel or Chris. I open up the bathroom door, oh here they are.... Chris has them both up against the wall, making out with Mandy and fingering them both! Are you fucking kidding me?! All a sudden Mandy looks at me, (She is BEYOND drunk) "Oh! Alice, I'm so sorry.. he just came up to me and started kissing me" I tell her to relax, he isn't my boyfriend. Then Chris says, "Alice, why don't you and Bob take a ride together and go get Kyle." Kyle! Fuck my life. So here's me and Bob going to get Kyle. Bob's fingering me the whole way there and kissing my neck, and driving me completely insane. We get there go downstairs (its late. he's sleeping) I climb on the bed, lay down by him, "Kyle, wake up Chris wants you to come party" Bob's untop of me again, damn this guys an animal.. My pants are off.. I really can't even protest. I'm laying next to Kyle with Bob fucking me, begging Kyle to get up and come with us. It doesn't really even faze him what's going on. He knows but I don't know, maybe he was used to that sorta thing? Kyle's up, I gotta basically push Bob off of me, although I was enjoying it. The phone starts ringing.. Kyle "Hello, Yeah Bob's here." Hands the phone to Bob.. I ask Kyle who it is, he says Angela. Angela is Laura's cousin! Bob "Hey!......Alice? Yeah Alice is here." My eyes get huge... oh shit.. Laura is gonna kill me! Click, Angela hangs up. I'm like "oh, I gotta get the hell out of here." I ask Bob, "hey, by the way, how old are you?" He chuckles "26, you?" Me "Oh.. I'm 16." He just smiles.
We get back to Bob's house, I went in and retrieved my drunk friends, tell them we have to go..just then my cellphone rings.. it's Matt. I run outside to answer it in the quiet, "Hey Matt" He says "Where the FUCK are you!?"
Feeling Rough
The next part I find it hard to write down even on paper. Which is silly because I know it's going to get even worse than that...before it gets better.
Last night I laid in bed forever last night, with the past just haunting me. Wanting to go back, then at the same time unable to believe that I was THAT person. But knowing deep down I still am THAT person.
My little 21 month old daughter is still sleeping, Thank God. My son is being awesome for me and is watching cartoons. I slept 3 hours I think last night, with my husband laying beside me snoring loudly.
I just feel like............................................................................ to top it all off I am going to visit one of my friends, that will actually be brought up in the next part. And I know the memories that will induce. All I can think is FUCK.
Last night I laid in bed forever last night, with the past just haunting me. Wanting to go back, then at the same time unable to believe that I was THAT person. But knowing deep down I still am THAT person.
My little 21 month old daughter is still sleeping, Thank God. My son is being awesome for me and is watching cartoons. I slept 3 hours I think last night, with my husband laying beside me snoring loudly.
I just feel like............................................................................ to top it all off I am going to visit one of my friends, that will actually be brought up in the next part. And I know the memories that will induce. All I can think is FUCK.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Age 16 Part 2
It's June... Laura calls me and tells me she seen Chris again, he moved to this tiny town about 20 minutes away, even smaller than ours. He told her to meet him at the park that night. I was so excited to reunite with him. But Laura wanted him so he's basically off limits to me. Remember SHE lost her virginity to him FIRST, thereby claiming him.
We meet him at this park, of course he's wasted like usual. We sit down together and smoke one. Then he says we should come with him to his cousin's house. His cousin, Kyle, is home alone, sitting around a campfire drinking. We sit down, and have a few beers. Laura kept telling me to have sex with him. Finally I give in knowing I can't have Chris anyway. There's a camper sitting there so I look at Kyle and say "are you gonna show me this thing." He smiles "sure." We get up and go into it. We start making out, he doesn't know how to kiss. It is pissing me off, cause I feel like I'm making out with a St. Bernard. So I start to unbutton his pants, he's all going after mine. His dick is hard as rock... I go to climb on and he goes soft. He's literally trembling, looks at me and says "I'm a virgin." I was beyond pissed, Laura left me with HIM, but being the nice girl I am I say "Well, what do you want to do then?" He says " I, I want to have sex with you." I, at this point just want to get him off so I can get the hell away from him. I smile and start sucking his cock like I'd die if I did get this bastard to cum...(I would have just left but I didn't wanna be a tease- big pet peeve of mine) So he's nice and hard and I feel him stiffen even more, I knew he was going to cum. Then he yells "stop, stop please I want to have sex." I don't say anything just get up and climb back untop of him, reach down so I can guide him in and he goes limp again. (Nerves, I know) I am beyond fustrated, only cause I didn't wanna be with him anyway. Just then the camper start rocking, people are pounding on it. I jump up, get dressed, scared shitless, not knowing who it was. Here it is just his mom's boyfriend-drunk acting like an ass. We go sit back by the fire and drink some more and then Chris said we should go to his house to get more cigs. Me, Laura and him leaving, telling Kyle we'd be back.
Now I gotta tell ya, I'm a big music freak. Except I'm not like my friends, only liking "todays music" I especially like all the stuff my dad listened to. My friends all thnk I'm wierd cause I like to get drunk and jam out to The Doors (Jim Morrison's my dead Lover) Anyways we go upstairs to his room, he turns on his C.D. player. Lynyrd Skynyrd- The Ballad of Curtis Loew. He starts singing and dancing. I FELL IN LOVE.. LOL. Mmmm...He looked so incredibly yummy. We drink some more, and finally Laura lays down on his bed, I lay beside her, ready to pass out. Chris lays down on the other side of me. Laura has her eyes closed but I know she's not sleeping yet. Chris reaches in my pants and starts to finger me. I try pulling away from him, gently so Laura doesn't open her eyes-to see HER MAN, lol, with his hand down my pants. He is relentless and starts kissing me. then I say "stop, Laura will KILL me." He says meet me in the next room in 5 minutes. Me- Freaking out, what do I do? Risk my friendship? On the other hand wait a minute. Why can't I have sex with him? they aren't dating- doesn't even like her. Yeah she introduced him to me. But who the hell cares? I didn't even take into account that I had a boyfriend.
So I get up, go into the next room (which is actually a huge walk in closet.) There he is! Up till then no one made me feel like he did. He starts kissing me, a second later my clothes are off. His are next. He's untop of me on the bare floor. He is inside me, he feels so good... then he says "turn around, get on your knees." I do. Next then you know I feel the head of his dick, rubbing against my asshole. He says "you ever get fucked up the ass?" I panic and say "No, Chris dont. I don't want to." He grabs my hips and drives his whole width into my untouched, virgin ass. I cry out, begging him to stop. Tears running down my cheeks, hurting so bad. He again whispers in my ear, "Shhh.. Baby it'll feel better in a minute."
We meet him at this park, of course he's wasted like usual. We sit down together and smoke one. Then he says we should come with him to his cousin's house. His cousin, Kyle, is home alone, sitting around a campfire drinking. We sit down, and have a few beers. Laura kept telling me to have sex with him. Finally I give in knowing I can't have Chris anyway. There's a camper sitting there so I look at Kyle and say "are you gonna show me this thing." He smiles "sure." We get up and go into it. We start making out, he doesn't know how to kiss. It is pissing me off, cause I feel like I'm making out with a St. Bernard. So I start to unbutton his pants, he's all going after mine. His dick is hard as rock... I go to climb on and he goes soft. He's literally trembling, looks at me and says "I'm a virgin." I was beyond pissed, Laura left me with HIM, but being the nice girl I am I say "Well, what do you want to do then?" He says " I, I want to have sex with you." I, at this point just want to get him off so I can get the hell away from him. I smile and start sucking his cock like I'd die if I did get this bastard to cum...(I would have just left but I didn't wanna be a tease- big pet peeve of mine) So he's nice and hard and I feel him stiffen even more, I knew he was going to cum. Then he yells "stop, stop please I want to have sex." I don't say anything just get up and climb back untop of him, reach down so I can guide him in and he goes limp again. (Nerves, I know) I am beyond fustrated, only cause I didn't wanna be with him anyway. Just then the camper start rocking, people are pounding on it. I jump up, get dressed, scared shitless, not knowing who it was. Here it is just his mom's boyfriend-drunk acting like an ass. We go sit back by the fire and drink some more and then Chris said we should go to his house to get more cigs. Me, Laura and him leaving, telling Kyle we'd be back.
Now I gotta tell ya, I'm a big music freak. Except I'm not like my friends, only liking "todays music" I especially like all the stuff my dad listened to. My friends all thnk I'm wierd cause I like to get drunk and jam out to The Doors (Jim Morrison's my dead Lover) Anyways we go upstairs to his room, he turns on his C.D. player. Lynyrd Skynyrd- The Ballad of Curtis Loew. He starts singing and dancing. I FELL IN LOVE.. LOL. Mmmm...He looked so incredibly yummy. We drink some more, and finally Laura lays down on his bed, I lay beside her, ready to pass out. Chris lays down on the other side of me. Laura has her eyes closed but I know she's not sleeping yet. Chris reaches in my pants and starts to finger me. I try pulling away from him, gently so Laura doesn't open her eyes-to see HER MAN, lol, with his hand down my pants. He is relentless and starts kissing me. then I say "stop, Laura will KILL me." He says meet me in the next room in 5 minutes. Me- Freaking out, what do I do? Risk my friendship? On the other hand wait a minute. Why can't I have sex with him? they aren't dating- doesn't even like her. Yeah she introduced him to me. But who the hell cares? I didn't even take into account that I had a boyfriend.
So I get up, go into the next room (which is actually a huge walk in closet.) There he is! Up till then no one made me feel like he did. He starts kissing me, a second later my clothes are off. His are next. He's untop of me on the bare floor. He is inside me, he feels so good... then he says "turn around, get on your knees." I do. Next then you know I feel the head of his dick, rubbing against my asshole. He says "you ever get fucked up the ass?" I panic and say "No, Chris dont. I don't want to." He grabs my hips and drives his whole width into my untouched, virgin ass. I cry out, begging him to stop. Tears running down my cheeks, hurting so bad. He again whispers in my ear, "Shhh.. Baby it'll feel better in a minute."
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Age 16
Ok... So I turn 16 and I start dating Matt. Matt is sweetheart and likes to listen to ICP. We also work together. I got high with him for the very first time. We were sitting in his car, and we just keep smoking, bowl after bowl. After that everyday we smoke weed together. I pick him up in morning before school and we smoke on the way to school (he had his drivers license suspended) It was always such a blast with his best friend and his girlfriend with us all the time. Sit around and just laugh...
After dating Matt for 4 months he proposes to me. Got me a ring and everything, stupid me I say yes. Then this guy at work starts hitting on me. Damn, I've had a crush on this guy forever. He starts grabbing and slapping my ass when he can. And rubbing himself up against me, and I was rubbing right back.
So I come clean (sorta) and tell Matt over the phone. "I'm sorry I just can't be with you right now. I'm not ready for a steady relationship" He started screaming "Who the fuck do you think you are? I LOVED you, I would have given you anything! FUCK THIS, You want me to kill myself, oooohhh here's a nice SHARP knife." Then I hear him like he's trying to not breathe. And then he lets out a breath of air, and says all calmly "You know I love you Alice" Click, he hung up on me. I call back one, two, three rings.. his moms answers. Before I can say anything she says to me "What the fuck did you do to him, Matt you're bleeding everywhere. STOP! Alice, I have to call 911. Click she hung up on me. I call back it took forever for her to answer, she finally did and told me the ambulance was on it's way. If I wanted I could go to the ER. Of course I did, I woke my Mom up and begged her to take me. I waited in the waiting room, it seemed like forever...finally they let me see him. I walk in and he's sitting on the hospital bed all bandaged up and handcuffed. I walk in and I told him I was sorry, that I didn't mean it. They took him to the mental institution. But they let him out the next day.
Well now, I very well couldn't break up with him. He'd kill himself. So I cheated on him with that guy, oh and then there was another. And then one night me and Laura got drunk and then I drove and got her brother Tom and finally had sex with him. This whole time me and Gary were still talking on the phone, finally I met the 19 year old hottie and gave him head. I kept begging him to have sex with me and he said he wouldn't cause I was a minor. Laura then talks to her friend about him, here that friend knows him and he's really 26! I was super pissed and confronted him about it but he kinda blew it off like who the hell cares? So I dropped it.. A few drunken months later though he calls me at 2 am and says he wants to fuck me. He said he was coming to my house to get me. I was thrilled and nervous oh man, I snuck outta the house. We then had sex and he brought me home.
Soon after that, Chris came back into my life...
After dating Matt for 4 months he proposes to me. Got me a ring and everything, stupid me I say yes. Then this guy at work starts hitting on me. Damn, I've had a crush on this guy forever. He starts grabbing and slapping my ass when he can. And rubbing himself up against me, and I was rubbing right back.
So I come clean (sorta) and tell Matt over the phone. "I'm sorry I just can't be with you right now. I'm not ready for a steady relationship" He started screaming "Who the fuck do you think you are? I LOVED you, I would have given you anything! FUCK THIS, You want me to kill myself, oooohhh here's a nice SHARP knife." Then I hear him like he's trying to not breathe. And then he lets out a breath of air, and says all calmly "You know I love you Alice" Click, he hung up on me. I call back one, two, three rings.. his moms answers. Before I can say anything she says to me "What the fuck did you do to him, Matt you're bleeding everywhere. STOP! Alice, I have to call 911. Click she hung up on me. I call back it took forever for her to answer, she finally did and told me the ambulance was on it's way. If I wanted I could go to the ER. Of course I did, I woke my Mom up and begged her to take me. I waited in the waiting room, it seemed like forever...finally they let me see him. I walk in and he's sitting on the hospital bed all bandaged up and handcuffed. I walk in and I told him I was sorry, that I didn't mean it. They took him to the mental institution. But they let him out the next day.
Well now, I very well couldn't break up with him. He'd kill himself. So I cheated on him with that guy, oh and then there was another. And then one night me and Laura got drunk and then I drove and got her brother Tom and finally had sex with him. This whole time me and Gary were still talking on the phone, finally I met the 19 year old hottie and gave him head. I kept begging him to have sex with me and he said he wouldn't cause I was a minor. Laura then talks to her friend about him, here that friend knows him and he's really 26! I was super pissed and confronted him about it but he kinda blew it off like who the hell cares? So I dropped it.. A few drunken months later though he calls me at 2 am and says he wants to fuck me. He said he was coming to my house to get me. I was thrilled and nervous oh man, I snuck outta the house. We then had sex and he brought me home.
Soon after that, Chris came back into my life...
Monday, August 22, 2011
Right Now
At this moment, I am having withdrawls from narcotics. It is a terrible gutwrenching feeling. My kids are crazy but I love them more than anything in this world. I want so bad to not be dependant on any of that shit anymore. I want to Devil to get the hell away from me!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Laura
Now Laura and Megan occasionally went to church together on Wednesday nights. They would get picked up by these couple with this huge van, that picked up any kids in the area that wanted to go. Megan didn't want to go so Laura invited me. The main reason for going I soon found out was so the whole ride to church about 45 minutes, she'd flirt with these guys, who were brothers. I was right in on it. I was so happy! I finally got to do something and it involved guys! We got to church and we had this little group discussion and everything went well. It was very powerful and kinda hit home for me. However as soon as we got back on that bus, all the flirting started again. Harmless you might think? Yes it was! We were 13 years old! Anyways, the church thing didn't last long. The boys that used to ride moved, and Laura stopped going.
Laura has this younger brother Tom, oh did I have a crush on him. He was in 6th grade, but he had already lost his virginity. We started flirting but it never really went anywhere he always had a girlfriend.
Then Rob moved into town, he was the type where he was always talking about sex. I was turned on and wanted just because I thought he may be the "one." Somehow we got to talking and I decided I would miss the bus home and give him a blowjob (my first.) The end of the day came at school, and he met me where he was supposed to and he told me he had to go home. He looked real bummed though, and I played it off like I didn't care. But I did... I was absolutely crushed. I'm thinking fuck I'm not even good enough to suck someone's cock? Really? We still flirted after that, but it was never the same.
Alright we will fast forward through that juvenile shit. I just wanted to get across that normal kids aren't like that, that young, are they?
So I hit High School, me and Laura still close. My parents are letting me do more. I'm in 9th grade. Laura had already lost her virginity before 8th grade to Chris. Now Chris was different than all the other guys my friends lost their virginity to. Chris was a grade ahead of us. A TRUE badass. Tall, dark tan, smoking hot. How did Laura end up with him? Just so happens that Chris was drunk and needed to stick his dick in something. She got lucky, SHE used him. Laura was nothing to brag about, maybe which is why I liked being around her. When it was just me and her, guys wanted ME there was no competition. We were at the homecoming game, when we see Chris, he is drunk. He starts flirting with me. (This is the first time I actually ever talked to him) He tells me, he wants to have sex with me. Laura tells me just to go for a walk with him and her to her Uncle's to use the phone. I tell her in private, "Laura I don't want to be left alone with him." She says "I won't leave you alone, just mess with him it'll be fun" I say alright, the whole couple blocks to her uncle's house he's staggering next to me, grabbing my ass and lifting my shirt to put his arm around my bare hip. Inside I am so excited and nervous. I'm arguing with myself, telling myself that THIS is what I wanted. I've been waiting forever for this opportunity. We get to her uncle's place, he lives in this rundown hotel. The apartments don't have any bathrooms or bedrooms, it's all open. Chris is trying to get on me, I tell him I have to go to the bathroom, thinking he'd stay with Laura. I walk down the hall and I'm in the hotel's public bathroom (for guys or girls) I mean people live there. He follows me, gets in there and pushes me up against the wall. I feel his cock pushing against me, and he's kissing me and shoving his hands up my shirt on my tits. I say "Chris stop" he doesn't. I don't know exactly how I got out of that bathroom but I did. We're back in the room with Laura. Next thing you know me and Chris are on the bed. He is begging me to have sex with him, he lifts up my shirt, my bra he's got his mouth on my boobs.. Then he starts going lower he's kissing my untouched tummy and I freak out. I jump outta the bed and I'm breathing heavy not knowing what the hell I should do. Laura says, "Alice, leave a minute, let me talk to him" I say ok, I walk out the door next thing I know, he's coming out too and storming off, pissed. I ask Laura what the hell she said to him. She said nothing. Afterwards I say "Laura where'd he go? I want to have sex with him. I'm ready" She was jealous obviously. He was her first. She did not want to share. She just said I don't know maybe back at the football game. We never seen him again that night and I was majorly disappointed with myself.
The next weekend, I was with her again. We were going to stay at her Aunt's house, we didn't though. We got there and her cousin was throwing a fit about something. So me, Laura, her cousin Mike and his friend went to go to Mikes house. First we stopped along the way at Mike's sisters house and we all shared a bottle of blackberry brandy. We then went to Mikes. We get there and Mike starts kissing me, next he's taking off my pants (while his friend and Laura are right next to us on the bed) and he starts going down on me. I was so drunk I don't even really remember much of that, he was younger than me so probably wasn't any good, LOL. But I remember he then was telling me to suck his cock. I had it in my mouth and I was going to town on it. My first blowjob, but I think I did rather well. He didn't cum, he kept telling me we should have sex. Finally I tell him ok, but we need a condom, do you have a condom? No he doesn't. So me and his friend decide to walk to a gas station and get one out of the little dispensers. Now I was from the country I wasnt used to the city at all. Even though it's a very small town. We walk get to gas station around 3pm. Here the side doors to the bathrooms are locked. We're like "fuck" turn around and here's a cops headlights shining on us. He yells "run" he takes off, apparently thinking I know where the fuck I am going. I don't. I walk around town for 2 hours before I find my way back to this house I'd only been to once. I get there and I'm ready to crash. I get in bed with everyone when Mike's drunk mom comes home. She comes and turns on the light, and she's calling me and Laura whores, he told her to shut the fuck up and go to bed. The following weekend there's a school dance. My older sister just got her drivers license. So my mom told us we could take the van. We get to the dance, my sis goes by her friends. When me and Laura see Chris. Sitting down, drunk already. I walk up to him. He looks up and me and says "you ready to fuck" I confidently say "yes." He smiles, grabs my hands and says "lets go" We walk out to my mom's van. I hand him a condom, he kisses me a little and takes off my pants. And penetrates my totally untouched vagina. I cried out and he whispered in my ear, "it'll feel better, in a minute." It'll be a year and a half before I talk to him again....
Laura has this younger brother Tom, oh did I have a crush on him. He was in 6th grade, but he had already lost his virginity. We started flirting but it never really went anywhere he always had a girlfriend.
Then Rob moved into town, he was the type where he was always talking about sex. I was turned on and wanted just because I thought he may be the "one." Somehow we got to talking and I decided I would miss the bus home and give him a blowjob (my first.) The end of the day came at school, and he met me where he was supposed to and he told me he had to go home. He looked real bummed though, and I played it off like I didn't care. But I did... I was absolutely crushed. I'm thinking fuck I'm not even good enough to suck someone's cock? Really? We still flirted after that, but it was never the same.
Alright we will fast forward through that juvenile shit. I just wanted to get across that normal kids aren't like that, that young, are they?
So I hit High School, me and Laura still close. My parents are letting me do more. I'm in 9th grade. Laura had already lost her virginity before 8th grade to Chris. Now Chris was different than all the other guys my friends lost their virginity to. Chris was a grade ahead of us. A TRUE badass. Tall, dark tan, smoking hot. How did Laura end up with him? Just so happens that Chris was drunk and needed to stick his dick in something. She got lucky, SHE used him. Laura was nothing to brag about, maybe which is why I liked being around her. When it was just me and her, guys wanted ME there was no competition. We were at the homecoming game, when we see Chris, he is drunk. He starts flirting with me. (This is the first time I actually ever talked to him) He tells me, he wants to have sex with me. Laura tells me just to go for a walk with him and her to her Uncle's to use the phone. I tell her in private, "Laura I don't want to be left alone with him." She says "I won't leave you alone, just mess with him it'll be fun" I say alright, the whole couple blocks to her uncle's house he's staggering next to me, grabbing my ass and lifting my shirt to put his arm around my bare hip. Inside I am so excited and nervous. I'm arguing with myself, telling myself that THIS is what I wanted. I've been waiting forever for this opportunity. We get to her uncle's place, he lives in this rundown hotel. The apartments don't have any bathrooms or bedrooms, it's all open. Chris is trying to get on me, I tell him I have to go to the bathroom, thinking he'd stay with Laura. I walk down the hall and I'm in the hotel's public bathroom (for guys or girls) I mean people live there. He follows me, gets in there and pushes me up against the wall. I feel his cock pushing against me, and he's kissing me and shoving his hands up my shirt on my tits. I say "Chris stop" he doesn't. I don't know exactly how I got out of that bathroom but I did. We're back in the room with Laura. Next thing you know me and Chris are on the bed. He is begging me to have sex with him, he lifts up my shirt, my bra he's got his mouth on my boobs.. Then he starts going lower he's kissing my untouched tummy and I freak out. I jump outta the bed and I'm breathing heavy not knowing what the hell I should do. Laura says, "Alice, leave a minute, let me talk to him" I say ok, I walk out the door next thing I know, he's coming out too and storming off, pissed. I ask Laura what the hell she said to him. She said nothing. Afterwards I say "Laura where'd he go? I want to have sex with him. I'm ready" She was jealous obviously. He was her first. She did not want to share. She just said I don't know maybe back at the football game. We never seen him again that night and I was majorly disappointed with myself.
The next weekend, I was with her again. We were going to stay at her Aunt's house, we didn't though. We got there and her cousin was throwing a fit about something. So me, Laura, her cousin Mike and his friend went to go to Mikes house. First we stopped along the way at Mike's sisters house and we all shared a bottle of blackberry brandy. We then went to Mikes. We get there and Mike starts kissing me, next he's taking off my pants (while his friend and Laura are right next to us on the bed) and he starts going down on me. I was so drunk I don't even really remember much of that, he was younger than me so probably wasn't any good, LOL. But I remember he then was telling me to suck his cock. I had it in my mouth and I was going to town on it. My first blowjob, but I think I did rather well. He didn't cum, he kept telling me we should have sex. Finally I tell him ok, but we need a condom, do you have a condom? No he doesn't. So me and his friend decide to walk to a gas station and get one out of the little dispensers. Now I was from the country I wasnt used to the city at all. Even though it's a very small town. We walk get to gas station around 3pm. Here the side doors to the bathrooms are locked. We're like "fuck" turn around and here's a cops headlights shining on us. He yells "run" he takes off, apparently thinking I know where the fuck I am going. I don't. I walk around town for 2 hours before I find my way back to this house I'd only been to once. I get there and I'm ready to crash. I get in bed with everyone when Mike's drunk mom comes home. She comes and turns on the light, and she's calling me and Laura whores, he told her to shut the fuck up and go to bed. The following weekend there's a school dance. My older sister just got her drivers license. So my mom told us we could take the van. We get to the dance, my sis goes by her friends. When me and Laura see Chris. Sitting down, drunk already. I walk up to him. He looks up and me and says "you ready to fuck" I confidently say "yes." He smiles, grabs my hands and says "lets go" We walk out to my mom's van. I hand him a condom, he kisses me a little and takes off my pants. And penetrates my totally untouched vagina. I cried out and he whispered in my ear, "it'll feel better, in a minute." It'll be a year and a half before I talk to him again....
What started it...
I have absolutely no idea where to start this... Where did life start to confuse me and put me on the wrong path? I'd say I was just starting Middle School, I was close to turn 12. My oldest brother was in jail. Shortly after starting school there was a wicked red head who wanted to beat me up, I don't actually remember why. I started hanging less and less around the girls I knew, the ones from Elementary School. I soon became friends with this red head, Amanda. She was a "trouble maker" as were all her other friends. That's where I felt comfortable. Hanging around the "bad kids." That's all I've ever known anyways.
My dad drank a lot when I was younger. He was a truck driver and was gone most of the week to return home for the weekend. Where he'd get drunk and listen to music. "Disciplining" us kids for everything we'd done wrong while he was gone. My mom and him constinetly faught and I remember thinking to myself how wonderful it'd be if they'd get a divorce. If it was just us and our mom. My mom seemed so innocent back then. So quiet... so loving. It appears the whole time I'd only seen one side of the story. There's a whole story in itself. Now I may portray my dad to be this horrible monster, just because I did not understand everything then. I'm not saying it was right him to smack her around, or us for that matter. I'm saying there were things going on that I didn't know about. My dad did take the time to preach to us about God, and things that were right and wrong. We did go to church a lot with our Grandma, his mom. My mom even took us sometimes. I remember one Wednesday night we decided not to go to church, so my mom got out the bible and me and my brothers and sister sat around the living room in a circle and read from the Bible.
So I was a strong believer in God. I guess though I figured I could put everything on the back burner while I disrespected my teachers at school, while I had bad thoughts about the other kids in school. I hung around with the "cool kids," we didn't take shit from anyone. I had already been interested in boys for years. The town I live in is primarly white people. Soon after starting Middle School a lot of hispanic people started moving here. Well, my friends didn't have much for rules laid down at there house and they could go walk around town, and go hang out at places while at night I had go home. Starting 7th grade and going through the summer after, almost every signal one of my friends lost their virginity. Most of them 12 years old still. Most of them lost their virginities to these mexicans (adults) that moved here. I was raised to believe that races should not mix. I am white, I marry a white person. So truth be told I was discusted that all my friends were hooking up with these mexicans. So 8th grade started and all my friends had their relationships or a few friends were switching non-stop back and forth between guys. Having sex with them like it wasn't nothing. I had been pretty shy at the time, and I think compared to some of my friends I wasn't bad looking at all. Then I began to get down on myself. All my friends were out having sex and having fun, but I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I felt like a freak. I wanted to be apart of what all my friends were doing. Homecoming was coming up I believe and me and 2 closest friends, Lisa and Megan decide to buy our first bag of weed for the occasion. I knew my parents would let me stay at Lisa's house, and everything should go smoothly. We'd get high for our first times and have a blast. Megan was supposed to buy it. I got most of the money for it from my mom, telling her I needed it for lunch money. Finally they got it, and we were just waiting for Homecoming. During choir one day, sitting next to Lisa and Megan, I say something about how I can't wait etc. Lisa tells me "oh shit, I forgot to tell you, we heard the cops were raiding this guys house so we got paranoid and threw it in the river." I said "What?! Why the hell would you throw it in the river?" She said "I don't know, I was scared!" I thought it was kinda strange but I let it go. I mean I've known Lisa for a long time and I never thought she'd lie to me. So here comes Homecoming night, I don't really remember what all happened. I just remember thinking beforehand- ok this may not be the night I get stoned for the 1st time, but maybe I will get to have sex. I was so excited and I remember also thinking, I don't even care if it's with a mexican. I had already began to let my standards down. Well the night went on and were inside this hangout joint, where no one really went. It was below the apartments where all the mexicans lived. Well I was waiting for Megan and Lisa. And another friend of mine was there, we were smoking cigarettes talking about stuff and she tells me "What? Meg and Lisa never threw that bag in the river, they smoked it with their boyfriends!" Oh Man, I was PISSED! Why was I upset? Cause my two best friends, stabbed in my the back. I was also jealous of them cause I knew they were probably out having sex with 2 random guys, and I wanted in on it. I began to get even closer to Laura after that.
That's a whole nother story........
My dad drank a lot when I was younger. He was a truck driver and was gone most of the week to return home for the weekend. Where he'd get drunk and listen to music. "Disciplining" us kids for everything we'd done wrong while he was gone. My mom and him constinetly faught and I remember thinking to myself how wonderful it'd be if they'd get a divorce. If it was just us and our mom. My mom seemed so innocent back then. So quiet... so loving. It appears the whole time I'd only seen one side of the story. There's a whole story in itself. Now I may portray my dad to be this horrible monster, just because I did not understand everything then. I'm not saying it was right him to smack her around, or us for that matter. I'm saying there were things going on that I didn't know about. My dad did take the time to preach to us about God, and things that were right and wrong. We did go to church a lot with our Grandma, his mom. My mom even took us sometimes. I remember one Wednesday night we decided not to go to church, so my mom got out the bible and me and my brothers and sister sat around the living room in a circle and read from the Bible.
So I was a strong believer in God. I guess though I figured I could put everything on the back burner while I disrespected my teachers at school, while I had bad thoughts about the other kids in school. I hung around with the "cool kids," we didn't take shit from anyone. I had already been interested in boys for years. The town I live in is primarly white people. Soon after starting Middle School a lot of hispanic people started moving here. Well, my friends didn't have much for rules laid down at there house and they could go walk around town, and go hang out at places while at night I had go home. Starting 7th grade and going through the summer after, almost every signal one of my friends lost their virginity. Most of them 12 years old still. Most of them lost their virginities to these mexicans (adults) that moved here. I was raised to believe that races should not mix. I am white, I marry a white person. So truth be told I was discusted that all my friends were hooking up with these mexicans. So 8th grade started and all my friends had their relationships or a few friends were switching non-stop back and forth between guys. Having sex with them like it wasn't nothing. I had been pretty shy at the time, and I think compared to some of my friends I wasn't bad looking at all. Then I began to get down on myself. All my friends were out having sex and having fun, but I wasn't allowed to leave the house. I felt like a freak. I wanted to be apart of what all my friends were doing. Homecoming was coming up I believe and me and 2 closest friends, Lisa and Megan decide to buy our first bag of weed for the occasion. I knew my parents would let me stay at Lisa's house, and everything should go smoothly. We'd get high for our first times and have a blast. Megan was supposed to buy it. I got most of the money for it from my mom, telling her I needed it for lunch money. Finally they got it, and we were just waiting for Homecoming. During choir one day, sitting next to Lisa and Megan, I say something about how I can't wait etc. Lisa tells me "oh shit, I forgot to tell you, we heard the cops were raiding this guys house so we got paranoid and threw it in the river." I said "What?! Why the hell would you throw it in the river?" She said "I don't know, I was scared!" I thought it was kinda strange but I let it go. I mean I've known Lisa for a long time and I never thought she'd lie to me. So here comes Homecoming night, I don't really remember what all happened. I just remember thinking beforehand- ok this may not be the night I get stoned for the 1st time, but maybe I will get to have sex. I was so excited and I remember also thinking, I don't even care if it's with a mexican. I had already began to let my standards down. Well the night went on and were inside this hangout joint, where no one really went. It was below the apartments where all the mexicans lived. Well I was waiting for Megan and Lisa. And another friend of mine was there, we were smoking cigarettes talking about stuff and she tells me "What? Meg and Lisa never threw that bag in the river, they smoked it with their boyfriends!" Oh Man, I was PISSED! Why was I upset? Cause my two best friends, stabbed in my the back. I was also jealous of them cause I knew they were probably out having sex with 2 random guys, and I wanted in on it. I began to get even closer to Laura after that.
That's a whole nother story........
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