Pills are yummy...

Mine and Chris' relationship lasted for a few extra months with me trying desperately to "fix him." Things only got worse.. him throwing a baby kitten at the wall, cause he got drunk and decided I was a slut. I found another job and not long after that I met Adam. I finally broke up with Chris to be with Adam.

Adam and I had to work by eachother most of the day and he was always looking good. He was 20 and seemed so much mature. He also came from a very wealthy family. Why was he working somewhere like a slave for minimum wage didnt matter. 

Thats also the same time vicodin was introduced to me. A guy I met at work, who was basically retarded, had quite a large crush on me, offered a very large bottle to me. I figured why the hell not? The first day I took one too many and was puking everywhere! I was outside, working and the wind was blowing, you get the picture? yuck. not good at all. However, it was love at first swallow lol. Didnt take me long at all to finish that first very large bottle. Im guessing there was at least 100 in that bottle. Why'd I like them so much? First of all it was simple, break em in half swallow. No pipes or hiding trying to catch a buzz like pot. Also I felt great! You can really bust ass while working... 

Aftwr a few weeks Adam wouldnt make a move and I was probably so far gone... Adam was standing a good 30 feet away from me, so as soon as we made eye contact I mouthed the words "I want to suck your cock" lmao. By his expression I knew he fully understood...

A few firsts

Chris and I seemed to have an almost perfect relationship. I started getting homeschooled so I never had to worry about school getting in the way.

We got drunk a least once a week, we smoked marijuana everyday. I tried shrooms with him for my first time. It was absolutely horrible. I tripped for approximately 7 straight hours! I saw my whole life in such depth. Like, why was my dad so strict about things, how bad of a childhood he had. How he must hurt. I analyzed my brothers relationships and my sister's. (Did I mention I have 2 older brothers and older sister and one younger brother.) I cried and then Chris would be looking at me, asking I was ok? Then I would start laughing at him, then he would laugh with me and then I'd start crying all over again. I feel bad for putting HIM through that LOL. I also snorted Adderall (prescription pill for ADHD) for the first time. I had to go to work right after, and I talked my manager's ear off. I remember her looking at me, while I was sweeping the floor and she says "Alice, I don't think I've ever seen you work so hard"

Chris and I were together almost everyday, but the parties slowed down drastically after Bob died. It was usually just Chris, Mandy and I together. I started working full time, and that left Chris more time to himself. After were dating for about 6 months, we decided to try to get pregnant. I went off my birth control for 3 months, I decided it was not a smart idea and started taking it again. Our relationship started to get bad after that. It was almost as if, he didn't think I loved him or our future together. He got a job, and one night I decided to go out with Mandy and my BFF Lisa, Chris was working 3rd shift and I went to visit him at work like I frequently did, and he was irrate that I was actually hanging out with my friends without him. He worked at a grocery story cleaning the floors. He took his broom and was slamming it against the outside wall till pieces of it were flying off. He grabbed me around the neck and said he was done with my slutty ass. I was determined to break up with him then, but it actually made me attach myself MORE to him.

What to do?

The next part will come right out of my journal:
11-27-03

Me and Chris decided to make things serious between him and I. I am so happy about that!

Last night I was raped by Jake and Steve. (Friends of Chris') I got into town around 11:30pm after leaving Chris' house. I saw Jake and Steve in Steve's mom's car. They told me to pull over. They talked me into driving around with them for awhile We went to the gas station Steve went into get something and Jake put his hand on my leg I told him to stop and that I love Chris etc. Then we went to Steve's house. He ran in and got a bottle of whiskey, and they convinced me to drink. I was slammin that shit. They drove somewhere in town but it was a woody area.They kept telling me to get naked. I kept telling them no. Jake held my arms and Steve took off my shirt. I told them to leave me alone. Jake had got in the back with me. I got out and got in the front with Steve (assuming I could trust him more) I kept telling them to knock it off it wasn't funny I wanted to go home and go to sleep. Finally Jake said ok, I will take you home. Jake got out of the back seat so I got out to go in the back. Then they both got out and got in on either side of me in the back. Jake hold me and Steve takes off my pants. I am kicking and screaming at them to stop. Jake starts fucking me, then Steve. At one point Jake wanted to me to suck his dick, and I told him I was going to bite the fuckin thing off if it goes near my mouth. Then they brought me back. I told them I wouldn't say anything. I want to tell Chris so bad but I know he'll try to kill them and I don't want him in any more trouble. I know it'd get around and people will naturally think I am lying and that I'm just a slut anyway. I don't want to go to the cops because I don't like them and we'd have to go to court and all that other shit. I just want to forget about it. The only person I told was Mandy cuz she's my best friend, and I love her. Chris has been friends with these guys forever and I don't want to start shit. But I thought when I went with them it'd be okay becuz Chris is always partying with my friends when I'm working, so I didn't think he'd mind. This is all my fault. Why did I get drunk with them? Why did I go with them? I wish it'd all end and be over with. Mandy said I should tell him cuz he'll hear it from someone else and the story will all be switched around. Then he won't believe me when I tell him the truth. I do not want to lose him. I am so scared.

What I didn't understand then... Was why I got off then, when I really didn't want it. I started doubting myself, and thinking Maybe I really did want it? I didn't understand how you don't have to enjoy or want something in your head, for your body to like it. Totally separate...

Seems like yesterday

We got back to the party, alive and he told me "I'm going to run inside and tell Bob that we're going home" (Bob and I are friends now) Well he's in the house forever, so I walk in and at the table he's sitting with 2 girls on his lap, trying to convince them to have sex with. I was so upset.. I mean I knew he was still sleeping with other girls, but I didn't really want to see it. Anyways, he seen me and his eyes got huge he got up and we went back to his house...

I broke up with Matt right after I turned 17... I admitted everything to him and he STILL wanted to be with me. Right after that, my friend Amanda I mentioned in the very first chapter died in a car accident, leaving her 3 month old baby girl motherless. It was a very hard day for all of us..

Later on that week I went out to Bob's house. He wasn't home but Chris, another girl and I decided to sit down and smoke a whole bag of weed. When Bob got home I walked up to him (alone) and asked him to come join us. He said no. I laughed and asked "why not?" He looked sad and said "I promised my son I wouldn't do that anymore." (He had a 7 year old boy and 4 year old girl) I thought that was a good enough answer. I went back and joined the others. That was the last time I talked to Bob. A few days later I got a call from Chris saying Bob was in a coma, he overdosed on a fentanyl patch (Morphine) He didn't have a script he got it illegally, and took the gel out of it and smoked it. He had no brain activity and his parents took him off life support. Chris and I went to his funeral together. Everyone looked like us, like we were the ones that killed him. It was funny cause a few months before that we were talking about dying and he said when he died he wanted to be buried in his regular clothes and a bandana on his head... they had him in a nice suit and tie, all nicely shaven. We didn't stay for the whole funeral, but we went back to the cemetery afterwards and dumped a bottle of Jack Daniels on his grave. What's so strange is he died with only a handful of people really knowing who HE was. Damn, I miss him...

Slut

Now I'm going to try to make this next part as short as possible:

Now Matt apparently talked to Laura who told him where I was. I lied and said I was at Rachel's dad's house out of town. He said he believed me... I booked it back home. Then later Matt decided to drive out to Bob's house. Bob came outside and apparently knocked off the side mirror off with a crowbar and then proceded to smash out the driver's window. He told Matt to leave then and if he came back he'd kill him.

By the time I returned home my phone was ringing. It was Chris- he told me I was a piece of shit for telling my boyfriend what happened. I said "What the hell are you talking about, Laura told him-cause BOB told Angela." (got that?) Then I heard everyone in the background at the party talking about what a slut I was. Then Chris was telling them how he should tie me to the bed and Matt to a chair and let everyone fuck me so Matt has to watch. It was if he set the phone down and forgot he was talking to me. I sat in the corner of my room with the phone to my ear, just crying and listening. Mandy and Rachel not saying anything just watching me. After that night it was about another month before I see or talk to Chris again. Matt told me all about what happened, but never brought it up again.

Chris ends up calling me a month later, telling me he's sorry and that he wants to see me. For some damn reason I go. We end up hanging out a lot... One night Chris passes out almost as soon as I get to his house. I'm sitting on the couch alone when Chris' older brother sits down and unzips his pants and starts stroking himself, asking me if I wanna ride it. (People just kept amazing me around there) It just turns me on to watch a man do that, I don't know why... but I give in.

One night Chris tells me he needs my car cause he needs "to break up with his girlfriend (What?!)  because she's telling everyone she's pregnant and she's NOT" I was heartbroken. First I had no idea he had a girlfriend. Another I was infatuated with him. Yeah I slept with other guys and I was still dating Matt. But it's like I never said anything to Chris about wanting a relationship cause I knew that's the one thing he didn't want. When I was with a guy, whether it be Chris, Matt or someone. It was all about them. I didn't sit and think about this other guy. Maybe that's why I never really felt slutty. (Boy do I ever now though) I just liked to have sex, with different guys cause everyone is different.

Anyways he insists on driving. I was sober and stupid so I let him. He's driving and scaring the shit out of me. He could not keep the car in his lane AT ALL. I thought for sure I was going to die. He tells me "you know how much I drank tonight? A half bottle of Captain Morgan!" I start begging him to pull over, he won't though. Instead he looks at me and says "You know, I love you, I love you so much Alice." I was shocked and didn't say anything. Then he says "I'd love to be with you and only you, but you know what? I can't. I'd cheat on you and I don't want to hurt you." Thankfully we didn't die that night.

2 is better than 1

I wanna start out by saying, I do not blame alcohol at all for anything that has happened in my life. I believe that I was always in control of myself. With that being said...

After Chris was finished with me, I was worried that we woke up Laura so I went to the bedroom and she was gone! Here she was just sitting out in my car. I went out to talk to her and she looked at me and said "fuck you Alice." I said "sorry, come up and let's go to sleep." Her "No, I wanna go home." So I went and told Chris. He told me to call him tomorrow. I worked the next day and Chris told me to come out so we could go to a party together but NOT to bring Laura. I said "fine can I bring a different friend?" he said "yeah thats cool" I asked Mandy and Rachel to go with. I talked to Matt (my boyfriend) and said I was hanging out with my friends, I needed to spend more time with them. Mandy and Rachel were super psyched to go with me. I only hung with Mandy a few times before, I'd had gotten her high for her 1st time. Rachel and I never hung out but she was Mandy's best friend.

Now you'd think I would be super upset with Chris, I mean after all that happened that night, would be qualified as rape wouldn't it be? I never looked at it like that. I just wanted more of him. I just wanted to be around him, near him, touching him...

I didn't have any good perfume so I went out and spent the rest of my money on a bottle of Ralph Lauren-Romance. We pick Chris up at his house. I ask where we are going, he tells me his cousin's house. (What the fuck!!?? NO!!!!) Ohh.. not THAT cousin, a different cousin, Bob. (Whew) Alrighty. So we get there and there's only a few people there, I say hi to Bob. There's a ton of different bottles of alcohol on the table. We open one up, pass it around for awhile. Then Chris grabs my hand and leads me upstairs. We start going at it in this bedroom. After he's finished, he looks at me and says "Will you have sex with Bob?" Me... thinking fuck, I just met this guy 2 seconds ago and and.... but I wanna make Chris happy... so I tell Chris yes. He's just thrilled, he runs down the stairs, I hear their footsteps coming back up the stairs a minute later. In walks Chris and Bob... Chris is like "are you ready?"  (Not that it's any better but I assumed I'd just be having sex with Bob- by himself) I am still basically in shock as Bob's head is between my thighs and Chris' dick is in my mouth. Chris is slapping me, and telling me what a good slut I am. Then his hand is on the back on my head forcing himself deeper. I start gagging and he's slapping my face yelling at "suck this dick, bitch, right now." I had sex with both of them that night, hard anal sex. At almost everypoint they had their dicks in two of my three holes.

After I don't know how long, I just could not take anymore. I jumped up off the bed, my whole entire body shaking.. trying to find my clothes. Chris walked out of the room and left me in there with Bob. I was down on my hands and knees, naked, looking for my underwear.. When Bob says "Do you want me to lick your asshole?" I was completely shocked, I had never heard such a nasty thing in my life! I say "NO!" Fuck my underwear! I put my jeans and shirt back on and I was out the door. I fly down the stairs, here the house is packed with people. All apparently knew I was in the bedroom fucking 2 guys. I don't see Mandy, Rachel or Chris. I open up the bathroom door, oh here they are.... Chris has them both up against the wall, making out with Mandy and fingering them both! Are you fucking kidding me?! All a sudden Mandy looks at me, (She is BEYOND drunk) "Oh! Alice, I'm so sorry.. he just came up to me and started kissing me" I tell her to relax, he isn't my boyfriend. Then Chris says, "Alice, why don't you and Bob take a ride together and go get Kyle." Kyle! Fuck my life. So here's me and Bob going to get Kyle. Bob's fingering me the whole way there and kissing my neck, and driving me completely insane. We get there go downstairs (its late. he's sleeping) I climb on the bed, lay down by him, "Kyle, wake up Chris wants you to come party" Bob's untop of me again, damn this guys an animal.. My pants are off.. I really can't even protest. I'm laying next to Kyle with Bob fucking me, begging Kyle to get up and come with us. It doesn't really even faze him what's going on. He knows but I don't know, maybe he was used to that sorta thing?  Kyle's up, I gotta basically push Bob off of me, although I was enjoying it. The phone starts ringing.. Kyle "Hello, Yeah Bob's here." Hands the phone to Bob.. I ask Kyle who it is, he says Angela. Angela is Laura's cousin! Bob "Hey!......Alice? Yeah Alice is here." My eyes get huge... oh shit.. Laura is gonna kill me! Click, Angela hangs up. I'm like "oh, I gotta get the hell out of here." I ask Bob, "hey, by the way, how old are you?" He chuckles "26, you?" Me "Oh.. I'm 16." He just smiles.

We get back to Bob's house, I went in and retrieved my drunk friends, tell them we have to go..just then my cellphone rings.. it's Matt. I run outside to answer it in the quiet, "Hey Matt" He says "Where the FUCK are you!?"

Feeling Rough

The next part I find it hard to write down even on paper. Which is silly because I know it's going to get even worse than that...before it gets better.

Last night I laid in bed forever last night, with the past just haunting me. Wanting to go back, then at the same time unable to believe that I was THAT person. But knowing deep down I still am THAT person.

My little 21 month old daughter is still sleeping, Thank God. My son is being awesome for me and is watching cartoons. I slept 3 hours I think last night, with my husband laying beside me snoring loudly.

I just feel like............................................................................  to top it all off I am going to visit one of my friends, that will actually be brought up in the next part. And I know the memories that will induce. All I can think is FUCK.